Turn Heated Exchanges Into Turning Points

Turn Heated Exchanges Into Turning Points

By Guy Finley, excerpted from Relationship Magic: Waking Up Together

Regardless of our certainty as to whether we or our partner starts or rekindles a quarrel, the real cause of the continuing conflict between us lies elsewhere. Which is why, as strange as the following insight may seem at first, the importance of working to see the truth of it simply can’t be overstated:

Despite any appearance to the contrary, it’s not our partner, nor is it we who strikes the first blow in any dispute: it’s pain that picks the fight.

No doubt this last idea challenges most of our familiar notions, especially when we’re sure we’ve been wronged and feel that it’s our right to seek whatever “justice” we might. But, putting all this aside for a moment, as we quietly study the secret cause of our struggles rather than being caught up in them, we should also be able to see, and agree to the following:

Just as it’s clear that we’d never hurt the one we love were it not for some pain pushing us to do so, the same holds true for our partner. So much depends on our being able to remember what our heart already knows is true: if love is that timeless divine force that unites and heals all that lives and breathes, then how can it ever be that which divides us? It can’t; it’s never love that fights. Never. With this last thought in mind, here are three main ideas to consider.Turn Heated Exchanges Into Turning Points

#1: Let’s say we have a “bone to pick” with our partner. This should be easy enough to imagine! Is this because we feel good about them in that moment? Or, is it more likely that there’s a pressure and a pain in us that “knows ” who’s to blame for it, and what they must do to make things right? The answer to this question is pretty obvious, which leads us directly to the insight that follows.

#2: This particular pain that we feel in these moments doesn’t exist without our partner being there – before us – either in body or in our mind. The same holds true for whatever pain our partner may experience in our presence; it doesn’t exist without us being there in the same way. This means that even though there are two of us “there,” between us there is only one pain. How can this be so? As the next point makes clear, it’s all under celestial law.

#3: Whatever we oppose in our partner causes our partner to oppose us; for instance, any time we oppose something about our partner’s attitude, we can be sure our partner will oppose anything we have to say about that! Pain opposes pain. Which means that now we can see what we were unable to before: as long as we look at our partner as the one responsible for the pain we’re in, we remain effectively blind to the one thing about this condition that we must see… if we’re going to stop hurting one another:

Half the responsibility for this unwanted pattern – including the pain that helps keep it alive – belongs to us, and the other half belongs to our partner. In other words, the pain that first sets us against one another, only to push us apart, isn’t his, or hers, or theirs. It’s our pain.

There aren’t words enough to explain how important it is that we feel the truth of the above summary insight. Only then will we be able to ask ourselves a question that unconscious pain is incapable of considering, let alone wanting to know the answer to it.

In truth, this is a question of conscience that maybe less than one in a hundred million of us have ever thought to ask ourselves. But, for those who wish to know a healthier, more loving relationship with our partner, we must dare to ask it of ourselves, and even better…right in the middle of a fight with our partner: “Why is my pain more important than yours?”

If we’re both suffering for having been set against one another by unconsciously identifying with opposing forces then we have to ask – especially if we love our partner as we profess to do: why do we feel as if our pain is more important than theirs?

When we really love someone, the last thing we want for him or her is to suffer. Who among us hasn’t thought upon seeing a loved one in the throes of some kind of pain that, if it only were in our power, we would gladly take their pain away by agreeing to make it our own?

And yet, though most of us have felt something of this higher wish – to surrender ourselves for the sake of love – regardless the personal cost – we’ve also witnessed our inability to do so; the truth is when comes some trial by fire, little to nothing in us can remember what was foremost in our heart only moments before. And there’s a good reason for this kind of spiritual amnesia:

This kind of unconscious pain that lives within us needs someone, something to blame for it. And, in much the same way, blame must have pain in order to keep itself alive. These opposing sides are literally nothing without each other to maintain the misery that they create together. The more aware we can be of this unconscious partnership, the less tempted we are to want any part of it!

Study closely the following pair of summary insights. Learn to look at them as a single lesson and you will see how it’s possible to turn any troublesome moment with your partner into a healing turning point for both of you.

Summary insight #1:

Any pain in us – that demands our partner pay for it – can’t heal itself; if it could have, it would have long ago. Add to this fact – as we’ve seen is true – that whatever “payment” we’d exact from our partner in these moments not only does nothing to heal their pain but also, in fact, only aggravates it further! Which in turn…then turns on us, re-seeding both of our suffering, and guaranteeing that same unwanted pattern is reborn.

Turn Heated Exchanges Into Turning Points

Summary insight #2:

The unconscious pain that pushes us into, and then through the repetition of any unwanted pattern with our partner is, in fact, not what it seems. It is not proof of some irreconcilable difference between us, but rather stands as evidence of something that lives in each of us, that we have in common.

Even the faintest first stirring of this higher awareness – -that whatever pain divides us is, in fact, a single pain shared between us – makes it possible for us to open our heart and mind to embrace a new idea that can’t be reached in any other way.

We have but one, true hope of being able to rise above this unseen world of opposing forces that cannot heal themselves, let alone bring an end to the patterns they create each time they attempt to do so. It is time for us to learn how to call upon a “third” force: an altogether higher order of wisdom, compassion, and kindness whose singular power is not only to unify these opposing forces but, in the moment of their appearance, to complete the very purpose of their existence.

In truth, you already know this celestial force; its most common name is love. But, let me ask you to suspend, at least for a moment, all that you think you understand about it; for the “love” that we know, in whose name we call out what we now care for most, is to this higher order love that we’re about to discover as is a candle’s light to the light of the sun.

We’re not talking about the kind of love we have for a delicious meal, a beautiful day, a family member, or even for our partner in the most tender of moments. This level of love can flip-flop into its opposite at the drop of a hat.

We’re talking about a level of love that can neither be imagined, nor created. It can’t be made to change a single unwanted moment into one that we want, even though that’s the reason for its existence. And while we can’t cause this higher order of love to appear at will, we can learn to understand, and eventually have full trust in the following:

Whenever, and wherever two or more of us are connected by a shared pain of some kind – as in a fight with our partner, or suffering some misfortune with loved ones or strangers alike, there is – already with us in that same moment – a higher love waiting to heal it, and to help make us whole at the same time.

(Excerpted from Relationship Magic: Waking Up Together by Guy Finley, Llewellyn Worldwide, Ltd.)

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Wordpress platform

Thinking About Starting a Website Using WordPress?

This is my personal experience, the good and the bad, with using the WordPress platform for my website, DogPerDay.com…

The website was started about nine years ago in 2008. My wife, Kate, was in the computer science industry, and so she was able to build it from scratch. WordPress was not really an option at the time, or at least we did not know about it. We hosted the website with a company called Lunarpages, and our email marketing system was some free software that came along with the hosting package.

We loved our little website, and it actually obtained a very good Alexa ranking of about 350,000 at its height. We got up to around 400 email subscribers before I kind of lost interest and stopped updating the site and stopped sending out my daily emails.

In about March of 2015 I decided that I wanted to revamp the website and Siteground hostingget it going again. We wanted our redesign to utilize WordPress, and so we hired a web designer for about $2,000. He had some good of experience building WordPress websites. He did a great job on the design and look of the website, and we got pretty much exactly what we wanted as far as that went.

What our designer did not really tell us about were the potential security issues that come along with a WordPress website. So if you are just starting, be aware of security and potential attacks from hackers. We were also not told about how to optimize our content, especially our images, as DogPerDay is an image-heavy website.

So as a result of our WordPress website’s poor optimization and security, we were harassed by Lunarpages regarding something called “CPU Usage.” Usually a website is hosted in what is called a “shared environment,” and if your website takes up too much CPU percentage, you may get a notice from your hosting company. This is also something we were never warned about, and so at the beginning I was posting all kinds of images at 500 KB, or 1 MB or more, thinking nothing of it. Don’t do that… if you’re building a new website using WordPress, optimize all of your images as much as possible from the very beginning.

Lunarpages was almost no help at all in solving these issues. In fact, they pretty much harassed us with unfriendly, threatening email warnings, making us feel like we were guilty of some kind of a misdemeanor. Lunarpages had no expertise at all in WordPress websites. And by the way, my website was extremely slow loading with Lunarpages. And so… just the other day I decided to terminate my account with Lunarpages and migrated my website over to Siteground.

I did some research trying to find the best hosting company to support a WordPress website, and Siteground was one that I kept seeing over and over again. They didn’t always receive the #1 best review, but they were the most consistently in the Top 3 of any WordPress hosting company review. In fact, I learned that they are an officially recognized hosting company by WordPress itself. During discovery, the sales associate in the Live Chat was able to answer all my questions and made me feel like Siteground could easily handle the former problems I was having.

The migration of my website over to Siteground was not perfect… it was not a perfectly smooth transition. But the Siteground support team was always very quick to respond to my questions and very helpful. They have a Live Support Chat, and so technical issues and problems can be taken care of swiftly and painlessly. So now DogPerDay is  up and running with Siteground, and I can already see a difference in my website’s loading speed. And it’s affordable.

If you’re thinking of starting a WordPress website from scratch, or you’re thinking of migrating over to a new hosting company, I recommend Siteground.

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Web Hosting

GetResponse All-in-one Online Marketing Platform

And when we were researching email marketing platforms to use for DogPerDay, we chose GetResponse. They have a great email newsletter creation tool that is easy to use for a non-technical person like me. My DogPerDay daily emails look great using the GetResponse WYSIWYG editor (what you see is what you get).

GetResponse also has a great Live Chat tool for their customers, and they are always there to answer questions and resolve issues quickly. They have a free trial if you’d like to try it out before committing.

Click here to sign up for the GetResponse Email Marketing Platform FREE Trial >>